translations

3 used to equal 3 for me.

now all i see is 2+1.

everything i say is stupid, and i worry it will make you realize how i really don't know what to do.
everything i do is an echo, the neat and tidy ripples of the storm in my brain.
everything i feel is on the edge of a knife, and can change once i remind myself of the truth.
the truth that i don't belong.
and i never will.

10:20 on a Saturday night, and I'm alone, and not even at my own house.
i should be sleeping. everyone else is, or is pretending to.
sometimes i sit back and watch the people around me, and smile when they say things to me, the whole time wondering how long it will be until i feel the knives begin to turn. a lot of people don't seem to realize how choppy my emotions are, and probably don't realize how much everything affects me. and how much everything reminds me of someone. ill be smiling, hear a song that reminds me of something, and i will feel like shit for the rest of the day. the worst part is it is bands i always hear. the Dresden dolls, Paramore, evermore, all amazing people, but they stir up memories. memories that i would rather not have.

when i say "I'm fine", it means i feel like shit, but i don't want you to know.
when i say "I'm going for a walk", it means i can't handle being around anybody for the moment, let me step out and fall apart.
when i say "i care about you" it means my world teeters on the next thing you say.
when i say "i love you" it means just that.
and contrary to popular belief, i am not obsessed with sex. i do not want to sleep with everybody i meet that lacks a Y chromosome.
i read and play video games to avoid the world i live in. and who i am.

i don't like school. i don't like being around people all the time, especially anything with an ASMS logo. i don't like anyone who is unable to see the value in others. i don't like myself, i don't like people who treat others like shit. i don't like backstabbers and i don't like people who can't see when they have done something wrong.

i don't like myself. i don't like who i was, i don't like who i am. people say i have changed, I can't see it. i see redemption in every wound, penance in every bruise. people forgive me.

what they don't realize, is i will never forgive myself.