umm.... what the fuck.

i have changed so much in that last two months it is rediculous. i look back on the day before and it feels like someone else did it. green tea is keeping me from REALLY losing it. My music has all but stopped, as far as playing goes. when i acutally do listen to music now its radically different. where there was once things like nickelback and ACDC, now i see these bands i would'nt even have thought of listening to a month ago. to name two, the manic street preachers, and taylor swift. and yes, i am aware of how swift is seen in the public eye. i dont care anymore. about almost anything. i havent had a decent cry since late last year. i havent smiled and meant it since midway through last year. i feel... weird. im not unhappy with where i am, but i know i can do better.

I have this dream. I wake up in a MASSIVE bed. i look to my left, and i can see the ocean through a wall of glass. it is a deep blue, and if seperated from em by a line of white sand. i get up, and walk dow the stairs, into the kitchen. ther tabletop is dark green marble, with stainless steel itensils and appliances, and the fridge is loaded with food. connected to here is a loungeroom, with a continuation of that glass wall, with cream couches on black slate floors. the sky is slightly overcast, but not enough to block out light. the walls of every room in the house are a light cream colour, almost white. two young kids come sprinting into the kitchen screaming daddy! daddy! and latch themselves to my legs. its at this point where the dream has changed recently. there used to be a woman walking in after the children, laughing and smiling. she isnt there anymore. im not sure what it means, but either way, the fact i still have a family keeps me happy.

im beginning to realize more and more that i dont need people to help me as much as i think i do. im perfectly capable on my own. i think this feeling is causing me to become detathced from people, and as my situation worsens, the less i seem to care. this dream i have is the only peice of motivation i have, and it is basically the reason i can force myself out of be in the mornings. i have been neglecting my blog. i have been writing things down, but not posting them. i have been starting a whole lot of things, just never finishing them.

my life has taken a turn. good or bad, i cant say. but i hope it will at least give me some more direction and purpose. i admire people like my cousin. he is able to devote himself so wholly to an ideal, or in this case, God, with such a vigour i can never hope to match. i just cant put so much (for the lack of a better word) trust in something i can never touch or see with my own eyes. i suppose that is the test though, faith rather than proof, or faith being your proof. i beleive there are times when god has worked in my life, but i dont feel i can ever be "the ideal person" particular group of idealists. i wish i could trust something so wholly and (this may be the wrong word) blindly, but i have trouble trusting people i see every day, letalone someone i dont.

"Your beautiful eyes
Stare right into my eyes
And sometimes
I think of you late at night
I don't know why."